Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Randoms




Here are some images I pilfered off Blame it on the voices...

My internet connection is still problematic, here is the most recent email I sent the hoors...

8 days later and still no explanation from Orange as to why my broadband has slowed down to under 135kbps.

If Orange is unable to supply me with a reasonable speed I demand that the MAC is sent to me via email so I can contact another internet supplier for a decent service. I am not wasting anymore time or money and am requesting that at least a months fee is refunded to me. I shall be terminating my contract on 26th October (30 days notice) agreed by Andrew as per telephone conversation, as I am getting relayed the same waffle over and over every time I call.

Looking forward to a swift reply,
Joanne.

PS. You smell of curry.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

My, what big paws you have...

...all the better for milking this here blanket with.


via

Disorder in American courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you

like to rephrase that?

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

an autopsy on him!

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:





ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Friday, 26 September 2008

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Blogging delays

Excuse me while the useless twats at Orange bugger up my internet connection for another while. If you are thinking about buying internet/phones/anything off them, don't. I am paying for a 4mb connection and receiving speeds of up to 128kb since the 19th.

After various abusive emails all answered with the same reply of "ring us", I was speaking to the nice lady from Orange India this morning, her name was Alibakajidoofayeudahafajiooo - she told me they would get a line test underway and try to use the phone as little as possible for the next 4 hours...I rang back after work to find Geordie Andrew on the end of the phone "Howay man ye slowin' wi doon like!" who advised me that they wouldn't do anything until I conducted at least 3 BT speed checks. So, fuckatrust from this morning was bullshitting me.

On an angry scale of one to ten, I am Hulk.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Ultimate rejection letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Old people and technology


via

Monday, 15 September 2008

Pick it up

I has a 50p


via

Boney M eat your heart out

I like this, I found it at DRB. My very first single was the Boney M version which I must have played a few thousand times (alternated with "Brown girl in the ring" and "Mull of Kintyre")



This is it, in fact, not the original record player I had (It went into an old derelict house and got eaten by rats)

Chilly willy


via

Last nights dream

I found a nest of incredibly cute fluffy kittens (who could talk) then I went into the bathroom to discover a fully grown bull emerging from the toilet. I attempted to help it out when I saw its wrath and I ran.

Does anyone know what the dream means...should I go on the computing course, or is this a grave warning against it?

Maybe all my questions will be answered here

*Update*
The computer class was cancelled, why didn't any of you forsee this? *sulks*

Creepy old ads

here they are

via

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Stealth cat

Large Hadron rap

CERN is conducting an underground launch of their Large Hadron Collider which will basically create a small version of the big bang in order for us to understand how matter was created after the explosion happened. It could potentially help answer many questions about our universe; however, a professor is saying that there is a possibility of creating a black hole on earth that could potentially turn into chaos.



Live Webcam

Evil Lassie


Donated by Gary

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Lion dog

A police operation launched following reports that a lion was loose in north Belfast has been called off after the animal turned out to be a stray dog.

A police helicopter had been used to search the area on Sunday night after officers received a number of reports.


Witnesses had said they had seen a sandy-coloured lion or large non-domestic animal in the Upper Hightown end of Cavehill Park.

Belfast Zoo had earlier confirmed that all of its animals were accounted for.

via

Messin' with Sasquatch

Monday, 1 September 2008

Gremlins invade other films


via

More Doctor Who nick-nacks


This charming fellow is an Ood (not to be confused with a hood)


Tardis keyring - doesn't quite fit in my pocket comfortably, but who needs comfort when you have Tardis noises and Doctor quotes at the touch of a button.


A totally classy silver effect (plastic) fob watch as used by the Doctor - tells real time and talks too. Fancy.

laughing feet



via

Hello Croatia!

I was looking at the site stats and found that the majority of visitors are from Croatia. I wonder what you all make of this blog? Everyone, feel free to use the comment section of this post for a kind of visitors book :-)